It appears that we are living in trans times where nothing is as it seems. All is in flux and reality is now whatever we want it to be. We now have transgendered and transraced and transabled and trans everything. It seems sanity has gone out the window, along with reality, and now we can become anything we desire.
Just in case there are a few people holed up in caves who have no idea what I am talking about here, let me briefly restate the facts. Right now transgender benders are all the rage, with the main example at the moment being Bruce Jenner who is pretending he is now Caitlyn Jenner.
The transrace candidate currently in the spotlight is the racial activist Rachel Dolezal. She happens to be a white American leftie who has been pretending she is Black! Her parents have recently come out and exposed this hoax to the world. And then we have the really sick transability advocates: those who think an able-bodied person should be able to get a physical impairment, like a lopped-off limb.
It seems there is no end to this utter madness. The moonbattery of the sexual anarchists and the social revolutionaries is now reaching fever-pitch, and extending to every area of life. Nothing is safe anymore from the social deconstructionists who hate reality and hate sanity and are seeking to destroy everything.
There is now no end to the trans madness. We are told by eggheads, the elites, and academics that there is no fixed reality or biology to anything. Everything is fluid, everything is a social construct, and everything is now up for grabs. You can be whoever or whatever you want to be.
Well, I for one am tired of being left behind in all this. I too want to be trendy, progressive and liberated. I too am tired of being shackled by reality. It is time to break free. It is time for my liberation. So I now have a major announcement to make to all of you.
I have decided that I can no longer hide my true identity. I can no longer live a lie. I must be who I really am. No more facades and fitting in with social stereotypes. I must be true to myself. So yes, I now have the courage to declare who I really am: I am a can of Dr Pepper.
There, I finally got that off my chest, or off my aluminium shell. No more living a lie for me. I have always known I was really a can of DP. For as long as I can remember, I have felt deep down I was really DP. But I have had to repress my true identity. An unloving and intolerant society has forced me to live this lie for too long.
Well, no more. I am now free. I am now really who I was always meant to be. Just call me DP from now on. And it is long overdue that the government gets with the times. I demand full recognition from the government about my true identity. I demand that all discriminatory laws and legislation be changed to allow me to freely enjoy myself in society.
Away with all the repressive and restrictive laws which deny me who I am. I reject all the entrenched DP-phobia in our society, our laws, and our culture. This must change – and now. I must be allowed to be who I am. I expect full social recognition and full government approval of my lifestyle.
We must change everything. No more narrow male, female options on birth certificates. Now we must have male, female, DP, and other legitimate options available. The same with marriage licenses. No more oppressive male-female only marriages. If a female and a DP want to marry, what is that to others? Why should they be denied their rights? This is all about love after all. Why can’t they have marriage equality too?
We demand the state get out of our lives and out of our bedrooms. For too long we have had this unjust and oppressive restriction on who we are. DPs of the world unite: you only have your chains to lose. DP power. DP liberation. DP pride marches. DP awareness day. Let’s start that revolution now!
I have just arranged for a photo shoot on Vanity Fair, and my new identity will grace its cover soon. In the meantime I include a shot of me in the picture to the right. Please celebrate with me my new identity. BTW, the thing next to me that appears to be a dog is actually my uncle.
Oh, and I will soon be having my own reality TV show. Also, look for exciting cover stories about me and my wonderful new life on Time, The Australian, The Guardian, The New York Times, etc. And the ABC, SBS, and numerous other media outlets will also be highlighting my story in the days ahead.
Hollywood has already been in touch with me and I look forward to a full length film about my life and my new liberation. It is not clear just yet who will be playing me, but cans of Pepsi and Mountain Dew have already expressed interest in portraying me. This should certainly be Oscar-winning material.
Oh, and the Greens have already added DP equality to their political platform. They will be holding rallies around the country demanding the objectist government stop its discrimination against DPs, and extend to them full legal rights and recognition.
You can always count on the Greens to get involved in vitally important cutting-edge social causes such as this. It is so good that at least one political party has its priorities right, and will stand up for the little guy, or the little can, who is ignored by all the mainstream parties.
And I have been assured by major Greens’ leaders that they will immediately seek to change all laws which do not recognise the complete rights and freedoms of DPs. They will also pass DP hate speech laws in which anyone daring to object to special rights for DPs will get the full force of the law brought down upon them. Way to go Greens.
These really are terrific days to be alive. Freedom at last. No more oppressive and outdated limitations on who we can be. The sky is now the limit. Rejoice in who you are or what you are. Don’t let anyone tell you any differently. Smash the state. Smash religion. Smash reality. Smash biology. Smash sanity.
Gimme some DP freedom – and do it now!