The Powerful Impact of Parents and Their Words

We parents need to be so very careful:

This piece in good measure consists of three stories – two from my own life, and one from a quite famous person. So it is an autobiographical piece in many respects, but it also serves as a cautionary tale. It is a warning that we parents need great care in what we say and do, because we are leaving a lasting legacy on our children – for good or ill.

And since I discuss my own parents here – they both passed away some years ago – I must say at the outset that they were basically good and caring parents. So I am not in any way dumping on them. The point I will make further below is that most of us learn our own parenting style from our parents.

And a main point I want to stress here is that words have real power. If we get lots of good and positive and loving words from our parents, that can often result in us becoming good people and eventually good parents ourselves. But if we hear only negative, condemning and hurtful words from our parents, that can have a real negative impact on our lives.

And a third option is possible: we might hear very few words at all from our parents – be they good or bad words. That too can have a real impact on us as we grow and develop. My story might best reflect that third camp to some extent.

Let me preface my personal journey here by saying this: for some reason I really have very few memories about when I was a child. I mean, I hardly recall anything about my childhood. Most folks can recall a zillion things about growing up, but I struggle to recall much of anything.

My twin sis, on the other hand, seems to be like most normal folks, and has lots of recollections about her life as a child. But not me. Sure, sometimes bits and pieces just pop into my head from long ago. And for the most part, when I do remember things, they tend to be of negative and rather hurtful things in my life.

As to why I might have so few childhood memories, one fellow who is a counsellor suggested it might be because I am an ‘emotional flatliner’. That is, I have always been mainly cerebral, always thinking about things, but I have tended to be rather emotionally stunted.

So with very few emotional highs or lows in my early years, I do not have all that much that my mind latches onto and recalls. He might be right in this regard. That might explain my low supply of memories. Add to that a long-standing poor self-image, some bullying from others, etc. But most kids have dealt with things like that I suppose.

As I just mentioned, some memories from long ago HAVE stuck in my mind, and they resurface now and then – and they are rather sad memories. Let me mention just two of them, and I will explain anon why all parents must be careful in what they say – or do – to their children.

The first incident just came back to me today as I was walking the dog and noted a tree that was recently cut down. Grass had been planted over it, and I wondered if the stump might start regrowing just below the grass.

That brought back a memory of when I was quite young: I was out in the backyard with my dad. He might have been pruning trees or lopping off branches. I asked in all childhood innocence if the branches would grow back. My dad somewhat snappily – almost angrily – replied, saying something about ‘would your arm grow back if it was chopped off?!’

Of course it was an honest question. After all, when we mow the lawn, it grows back. But for some reason I recall this episode. The second one involved my mom. I was sitting in a chair around the kitchen table. My mom was walking around doing things, and had a record on. I recall just what it was for some reason: it was an album featuring Tennessee Ernie Ford singing Christian hymns.

She was singing along to it. I am not sure why – and there was no malice in what I did and I guess I was just trying to be humorous – but I blurted out, ‘Mom, you sing lousy.’ She slapped me in the face hard enough to send me and my chair going over backwards. She said something like ‘Don’t ever say that again’. I of course was stunned and sad. (But I should say this was a one-off on her part.)

So there you go – two episodes from my childhood that I recall quite often – while forgetting most others. Now, I am not trying to run with a sob story here or have a pity party. All of you could offer similar stories, and some of you could offer far, far worse stories, of real abuse in various forms.

Again, it would be unfair for anyone to judge my parents just from these two stories. They would have loved us kids, but were not very communicative, nor very open in expressing their love to us. Many parents back then perhaps might have been like that.

But the few memories I have unfortunately are of these sorts of negative events. My third story nicely encapsulates some of the things I am trying to say here. I have shared it before. I first heard it some years ago when Michael Cassidy spoke at a Melbourne prayer breakfast.

He is a South African Christian evangelist and founder of Africa Enterprise. He also tells the story in his 2012 book The Church Jesus Prayed For. Here is the moving story:

I remember being deeply moved when I first read the story of the famous James Boswell (1740-94) who became celebrated as a close friend of Samuel Johnson, the writer, philosopher, and wit. Boswell tells in his autobiography of a day when, as a child, his father took him fishing. He records it as the most wonderful and memorable day of his childhood. Later his father’s journals were found and they recorded the father’s commentary on that day in these terms: “Today went fishing with my son. A day totally wasted.” For the father, a day of totally wasted effort, and for the son the highlight of his childhood.

Wow. That says it all. Children are so impressionable and are so starved for parental love and affirmation. Some kids get lots of that, and some get very little. Worse yet, some only know hatred and abuse. I repeat – my childhood was pretty normal. Some of you have terrible stories about what you experienced as a kid. But my story is the only one I know firsthand.

I mentioned above how we mostly learn about parenting in our own home from our own parents. If they were terrific parents, we might well become pretty good parents. If they were not the best parents, then perhaps we will be lacking here to some degree as well. Of course both situations can be reversed: someone raised by horrible parents can grow up to become a great parent, and someone raised by wonderful parents can grow up to be a terrible person and a lousy parent.

Since I noted that my parents did not communicate all that much with us, I have tended to pick up that pattern. Sure, I am communicating quite well here in this piece and in my website and my public ministry. But I have long felt bad that I was not the best parent to my own kids, and I could have done so much better – including in communicating much more with them and showing my love to them.

Even now, so many years on, I think I need to learn and grow so much more in being a good parent. And for what it is worth, in less than a week the first of my sons – and the youngest – will marry.

If my kids turn out pretty good, I will not take much credit for it. My wife can of course. But I have made so many mistakes along the way. The moral of the story is this: parenting is hugely important, and our kids will flourish or suffer depending on what sort of parents we are.

I wish I could do it all over. But that of course is not possible. So if I and others can learn from the stories I shared here, that might be the best I can do for now.

Back in 1970 Crosby. Stills, Nash and Young sang “Teach Your Children”. Older folks should remember it.  Have a listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkaKwXddT_I&list=RDEkaKwXddT_I&start_radio=1

Yes they need good teaching. And they need love, affection, affirmation and communication. What we say and what we do will impact them for a lifetime. We must choose wisely, and we must pray carefully that God helps us to become the sort of parents we are meant to be.

And if we have done poorly as parents, we can find forgiveness in Christ. And we can still seek to have a positive impact on our children.

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