On Choosing Friends and Battles

Wisdom is needed here:

An old joke goes like this: “You can pick your friends; you can pick your nose; but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.” There seems to be some wisdom there. In life – and especially on the social media – we need to carefully pick our battles – and our friends.

The truth is, not every issue is worth going to the wall over, and not everyone on the planet is worth having as your friend or associate. So as always, discernment is needed. We must choose carefully. Bad choices here can cause a lot of problems down the road.

This is true in real life of course, but increasingly it is true of the social media world. Who do we stick with, who do we tolerate, and who do we give the flick to? Especially if you deal a lot with areas of controversy, be it politics, religion, theology, culture wars and so on.

So here I want to look further at this, and mainly in relation to our time spent on the social media. Of course if you just use that to share pictures of your cat, or what you had for breakfast, then all this may not be relevant. But for those who use things like Facebook to share truth, and defend faith, family and freedom, much of what follows might well be of some use.

Friends

In my first stint on FB, before they kicked me off, I had around 4500 friends if I recall correctly. One important reason to be careful who you befriend is this: it is possible a few who did like what I was doing somehow became my friends, and they may have reported me to the FB police.

Indeed, today when someone sends me a friend request, I try to carefully check that person out first. Looking at what they post, who their friends are, what their emphases are, etc., can be quite telling. Sometimes I can spot obvious red flags, so I give them a wide berth.

Some relationships – in life and online – are good and healthy. Some are so-so. Some can be quite toxic. Some people you need to cut loose from your life. One biblical passage that speaks to this is Psalm 1:1-2:

Blessed is the man
    who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
    nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and on his law he meditates day and night.

So we need to choose wisely here. There are some folks who are mostly onside and say a lot of good stuff. But sometimes they can really go off the rails on some other matters. Then we have to decide what to do with them: dismiss them altogether or eat the meat and leave the bones. It is not always clear what the best way forward is.

The truth is, in a fallen world, none of us have everything right. I even disagree with myself at times. But sometimes the best course of action is to let certain people go. Prayer, discernment and patience is needed along the way.

There are some rules of thumb you can apply to those online who seem to be wearing out their welcome. Some of these folks you never hear from, except when they want to argue with you, pick a fight, or just be an annoying contrarian. I don’t think such folks qualify as being real friends, or even great Christians, if they are claiming to be one.

Sometimes there is a place for building bridges. You might be sorely tempted to give someone the flick, but instead you keep them on, pray for them, and hope for a good outcome. And that can happen. Sometimes some folks I have thought were no-hopers and I was ready to unfriend ended up becoming good allies and useful friends. So we need discernment in each case.

Battles

Anyone involved in the culture wars, or the war of ideas, or politics, or anything involving public disputes and debates knows that there are so many things one can focus on. There are so many good causes worth pursuing. There are so many battles that must be entered into.

But we cannot do everything. Learning about our own limits is a good place to begin. We are not God, so we are not responsible for the entire universe. We are however responsible for our own immediate circles of influence, and some of the battles that need to be engaged in.

And even here we need wisdom as to when we should speak out, and when we should hold our tongue. Sometimes we must speak truth, even if costly, and if it might disrupt – or end – relationships. But at other times the best thing to do just might be to remain silent.

Some battles are worth letting go through to the keeper (to use cricket terminology). Some battles can be entered into sparingly and at the right time and place. Some other key battles we must be willing to go to the wall over. Once again prayerful and careful consideration is needed.

People AND issues

Sometimes friends and battles go closely together. That is, we might be connected to or support someone who for the most part is onside with most issues, but some of the battles they are involved in are just NOT to be endorsed. Sure, we will never agree 100% with others on everything.

But sometimes the issues that divide us are quite serious indeed. Then it becomes a bit of a dilemma: Do we keep them as friends or contacts for the 90% that we agree on, or do we let them go for the 10% that we strongly differ on?

Let me give you a few examples. The lesbian and former tennis champion Martina Navratilova has been standing strong against the trans agenda of late. She is even praising Trump while she condemns the radical Democrats on this. As such, while I normally would not share her material online, in this case I am more than happy to do so.

Related to this is J. K. Rowling and her very determined stance against the trans militants. So I am also happy to share her material on this issue. One Christian however wrote in, asking if she is a good role model for us. Well, on this issue at least she most certainly is. And she is on my daily prayer list.

(Of interest, this same person who questioned featuring her is someone mostly onside, but on one issue at least he is way out to lunch: he is a flat earther! I would be more likely to dump a person with that foolishness, than a pagan who is making a good stand on a vital issue.)

Or take some Christians who have been getting excited about Christian singer Lauren Daigle being able to sing at the US Super Bowl. It seems she has been on the outer since she dared to speak out against the Covid restrictions along with people like Sean Feucht.

On all that I am with her. But unlike many, I do recall some real worrying issues she pushed in the past. As I wrote in an article at the time, she unfortunately was terribly weak on the issue of homosexuality, refusing to call it what it is: a sin. https://billmuehlenberg.com/2018/12/02/no-jesus-did-not-accept-all-people-all-faiths-and-all-behaviours/

That might be the only issue that she was quite wrong about, but given what a serious matter it is, one can rightly ask how far one goes in supporting her. Just maybe she has become a bit more biblical on this matter of late, and at the very least, we can keep her in our prayers.

But a decade ago I wrote about seven other big name Christian entertainers who all supported things like homosexuality and fake marriage, or at least were weak as water on those issues: https://billmuehlenberg.com/2014/08/17/a-great-way-to-destroy-the-faith-of-millions/

So folks like that I have tended to be rather wary of promoting. Again, they might be fairly good on some other Christian matters, but when they get something as important as that so horribly wrong, it really does impact what else they might believe, say and do.

Another case in point involves Candace Owens. The Black American commentator is quite good on a number of issues, and I have mentioned her in my articles, quoted from her, and bought a book of hers. But regrettably she seems to be all rather antisemitic, although supporters and detractors go back and forth on this. If she is, that is enough for me to want to stay clear of her.

There would be so many more examples of public figures that are in the main quite good on most issues but seem to be quite off on some others. So what do we do? Do we avoid them like the plague, or adhere to the fish-eating routine I mentioned above?

In some case where either a social media friend or a well-known figure too often and too passionately pushes a quite wrong cause, be it hating on Israel or disagreeing with Scripture on things like homosexuality, I will unfriend them or no longer promote them.

Some I will wait and see. If nothing else, whereas earlier on I was rather quick in giving such folks the flick, I am hopefully now a bit more patient and gracious, and it takes me a bit longer before I decide that someone has to go. But some issues are just too important to let them go by.

And some fellow believers might be so far off the wall that keeping them on results in more harm than good to the Kingdom and the cause of Christ. As always, we need to think and pray a lot about such individuals, and seek God’s leading on what we are to do with them.

BTW, I just recently penned another piece on cobelligerency, and when and why we might work with others who normally we do not associate with. Some of the matters I discuss there fit in nicely with what I am discussing here: https://billmuehlenberg.com/2025/02/12/cobelligerents-unite/

Having friends and colleagues matters. But having the right ones, while avoiding the really wrong ones, is crucial. So too the issues and battles of the day. Some are too important to ignore. Some we must stand strong on. Some we can be more relaxed about. We need discernment about all that as well.

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